From Broken Heart to Broken Heart

Hey, Sickbaggers.

I know, I know. It's been another couple of months since I last posted, for which I apologise (if you even care, that is).

Trouble is, I've reeeeeeaaaally not felt like updating, as things have not been so peachy of late.

As you may recall, in that last post, I was unemployed, but I was happily plodding along, filled with ideas and scheme, and extolling the virtue of my wonderful girlfriend.

Well, I think God must have read that post, and deemed in His infinite wisdom that I was having far too much happiness, for some three weeks later my girlfriend left me.

She had her reasons, and assured me it wasn't me, but it hasn't made the split any less painful. I thought the world of her and would have done anything with my limited powers to make her happy...but now she's gone, and not a day goes by where I don't think of her, and miss her deeply. She is an incredible person, and still so very special and dear to me.

Added to this is the fact I'm still unemployed, despite filling enough more forms and applications to lay waste to an entire forest; and money is so tight that I've had to skip meals on occasion just to stretch my resources, and things are looking rather bleak and hopeless.

In short: everything's gone to shit. Big, steaming piles of it.

Then, yesterday I went to the hospital to have an ECG, as I've been having chest pains a lot lately. I've always had a bit of a dicky chest, but the twinges and palpitations have been increasing in frequency, so figured I should get it checked out.

The initial diagnosis seems to be that part of my heart has become enlarged, as it struggles to effectively pump blood around my body. The exact reasons why are still a mystery and further investigations are needed, but it's another piece of less-than-stellar news to absorb.

It seems my heart is quite literally broken.

So, yeah. That's why I haven't posted here of late.

I'm still somehow updating Lord Likely's site, though, albeit less frequently. It's quite tricky to pump out chuckles and guffaws when I feel so depressed, but I think I'm getting away with it. Hopefully his lordship's antics are still eliciting the odd chuckle.

I also apologise for his lordship's less frequent visits to his friend's websites and blogs. I do still keep up with most of them, but I'm finding plucking a witty response from the air to put in the comments a little hard, so forgive me.

I was buoyed by the generous response to his lordship's latest fund-raising attempt, though. I was genuinely penniless and so the generous donations made were really, truly appreciated. Thank you so much, you guys!

In other news, it looks like The Carrotty Kid's site will be disappearing soon. It's due for renewal now, but I set it up back when I had a job and money, and I simply cannot afford to pay to keep it going, which is a shame. I did have plans for the Kid, but as with everything, my plans do not seem to account for much!

Hopefully, normal service will be resumed somewhen soon, and there will be less whiney, self-pitying posts like this and more of the usual nonsense and nob gags.

In the meantime, here is a delightful comic from Pearls Before Swine for you to enjoy.

See ya.

- Fanton.

Who? What? Where? How?

Hello, Sickbaggers!

I am not dead, nor nearly dead, nor dead but kept alive by a horrifying rage virus - to be honest, I have just not felt like writing for Digital Sickbag for a while, so didn't. Hey, it's a free country (unless you are reading this in a country which heavily infringes upon your civil liberties. In which case I doubt you will be reading this anyway.)

So: what has been going on since the last time I spewed forth into this blog? Well...

* I gained part-time, Christmas employment at HMV, which was good fun! Jimmy Carr came into our store twice, which would be impressive if it wasn't for the fact that I hate Jimmy Carr. But then...

* ...the job's contract ended, thus leaving me unemployed (again). Boooo! Back to watching Jeremy Kyle repeats I go!

* But! I have been quite productive with my new-found spare time. (Of course, it depends on your definition of 'productive).

* I drew THIS, for example! Hee-hee!

* I have also been updating Lord Likely, as well as setting him up a Facebook Group, a Twitter page and even a shop.

* I made these celebrity ghost t-shirts. Here is the ghost of Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury:



I also did Elvis, and Kurt Cobain. Why not buy one?

* I had many poos.

* I found myself getting Popmashed by the excellent Mike Whaite, in celebration of his relaunched Popmash website. Groovy!



* But, best of all, I have met an incredibly beautiful and completely lovely woman, and - rarer still - one who does not seem to be completely repulsed by me, despite me being so wretched. Hooray! She makes me very happy indeed, and is super-special to me already. Bless you, honey!

So yes. Great ups and downs, lefts and rights, but I have been keeping myself busy throughout. I am hoping to be able to bring you some more exciting news shortly, if everything goes according to plan...

Failing that, I shall just fill this blog with nob jokes again, then disappear for months on end.

See you soon!

- Fanton.

Follow me on Twitter. It may or may not be fun, I am not entirely sure.

I Am Shit, I Am Best

Its been a rather odd day today, all told.

It began terribly when I got fired this morning from my awful, minimum-wage job, for committing the terrible crime of...eating a hotdog. A hotdog that was due to be chucked in the bin anyway, as it was the end of the night and thus was not going to be sold.

And so, for that horrendous act (no doubt causing the multi-million pound company for which I work untold damage and distress), I had my employment terminated. After seven and a half years of loyal service, it turned out that at the end of the day I was worth less to the company than an old, discarded sausage.

And as an added bonus, this took place only four days before my birthday. DOUBLE FUN!

Naturally, I was less than pleased and felt completely and utterly depressed by the whole affair.

However, on the flip-side of this particular coin, was the fact that when I got back to my house, I found that an earlier, off-the-cuff suggestion to The Guardian's 'Comment is Free' on Twitter had resulted in Lord Likely's blog being selected as one of the 'Best of the Web' on their website!

BEHOLD!

Obviously I'm a little aggrieved to see my stuff BELOW a LOLCats-based story (especially being the purveyor of high-quality RIPDogs, myself), but still, there it was. A link to my writing, on The Guardian's website.

Fuck me.

Since then, I've been fielding loads of text messages, emails and Facebook comments either commiserating with me on the loss of my job, or congratulating me on getting a link from The Guardian. I don't know whether I should be wallowing in self-pity and sadness, or leaping for joy and hurling myself into fresh writing work.

Like I said, its been a really odd day.

Now all I have to do is find a way to build upon my writing success, and, y'know...actually get paid to do it, or something. I think that'd be nice.

Either that, or its off to McDonald's.

See you in the dole queue!

- Fanton.

Items of Interest (Interest May Vary)

It's lazy blog-post time, as I present a selection of links and 'things' that may be of interest to you (and you) with the minimum of writing in between, and without the need for any jokes or anything approaching creativity. HOORAY!
First up, here's a YouTube video based around my good chum Stu Munro's excellent webcomic, Ray the Otter.

Ray the Otter is a foul-mouthed, misogynistic, racist otter who appears in his own comic, dispensing all manner of offensive quips, much to the bewilderment of his little friend, Mr. Peepers.

Ray has been released from the confines of the comic panel, and thrust into a semi-animated toon by Daveula creator Tom Butler. The result is excellent, disgusting and excellent once more.

Here it is now:

My other good chum, Mike Whaite (he of The Carrotty Kid pilot episode fame) has gone quiet recently, but then returned yesterday in a blaze of glory, with this excellent animation featuring a potty-mouthed hippo singing John Denver's classic track, Annie's Song. It's ruddy ace.



In Lord Likely news, I recently received my first-ever piece of Likely merchandise - a selection of mini-cards bearing his lordship's handsome face, made by those fine folk at moo.com. They are really lovely.

Here they are in fabulous blur-o-vision:


And look! You can even use them as bookmarks! HOORAY!


I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with them. I might send them to loyal Likely fans, or sneak into bookshops and slip them between the covers of every Dan Brown book on the shelves. Decisions, decisions!

Finally, my spoof showbiz website gaup has spluttered back into life, with five - yes, FIVE - new articles awaiting your perusal. Meanwhile, The Carrotty Kid has ground to a temporary halt again. Man, it's hard work juggling all these sites, you know.

That's it for this highly fascinating round-up of stuff and things. See you next time!

- Fanton.

Money For Nothing

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world.

- Abba, 1976.

Ah, how wise those Swedish songsters were!

Money must be funny in a rich man's world, because it sure as heck isn't funny in this particular poor man's world.

Yup, I'm utterly skint this month, due to a hilarious (read: depressing) chain of events involving the Student Loans Company, my bank and a shed-load of charges. Bastards.

As such, I have precisely fifteen pounds to see me through the rest of the month, which means I could well be dead by the time you read this, if my new diet of super-cheap pasta and baked beans conspires to kill me.

To rub further salt into my penniless wounds, I received notification that my renewal payment for www.thecarrottykid.co.uk (my excellent webcomic) was declined, due to the aforementioned lack of funds, which is doubly annoying because I spent the past two days working on that damned site, only to learn it could disappear just like that.

I have tried to reason with my webhost, but they tell me its an automated process, and after an unspecified period of time, accounts that are in arrears will be deleted.

Sigh.

As well as wiping the Carrotty Kid from the internet, this'll also have a knock-on effect on all the sites in the Likely Empire, as Lord Likely's site and this very blog both use The Carrotty Kid's webspace to host various images and bits and pieces.

IT COULD MEAN THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

I don't like to beg, but as the forces of evil rise against me, I figure I might as well throw down my hat and ask for a few pennies from benevolent passers-by.

So, I give you: Carrot Aid.

If you have ever found yourself chuckling at my crazy cartoon carrot, or if you have simply enjoyed the bright colours and swirly lines, then perhaps you would like to donate a little bit to the Carrot Aid Carrot Fund. Or, if you are an avid follower of His Lordship, maybe you too could see your way to throwing a few coins in my virtual hat? Pretty please?

Obviously, I'm not going to force anyone to part with their precious cash, nor will I hate you if you don't give anything, but in these desperate times, desperate measures are called for, so I thought I'd give it a try anyway.

You can give to Carrot Aid via the ChipIn widget below, or via PayPal directly. Or, alternatively, you could buy one of my fabulous t-shirts on redbubble.com, and thus get something back for your donation!

Just two pounds could save me from having to eat Pot Noodles ever again.

Fifteen pounds could save a young carrot's life.

Thirty pounds could help keep a sozzled aristocrat in whisky and gin for an entire day.

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to stump up a few coins to allow me to continue churning out my high-quality comedy products. I promise to pay you back in sheer wealth of chuckles!

Maybe.

Cheers!

- Fanton.

What Time Do You Call This, Sonny?

Hello!

I have rather neglected this blog and all my blogging activities of late, for which I humbly apologise and beg for your forgiveness.

I have been struck with a mixture of extreme laziness and apathy of late, but I took some tablets and it seems to have cleared up nicely.

So: I am back, and ready to roll. As well as all my blogging stuff, I'm also working on what may turn out to be a proper, full-paying cartooning gig; as well as toying with some new ideas for Lord Likely...so watch this space.

In other news, I may be a little distracted this week, as I'm counting down the days until the grand finale of the current series of Doctor Who airs. Last week's cliffhanger had me literally soiling myself with excitement, and I simply cannot wait to see how it all pans out.

If you've yet to see last week's Who, then look away now. For the rest of us, here's the teaser for next Saturday's episode:



Oooh! I just did a little more wee.

I'll be back with a better-quality post soon. Until then, take care of yourselves, and each other.

Byeee!

- Fanton.

I'm Bringing Carrots Back

While I take a break from the ball-crushing schedule of updating The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely, I have begun work on a couple of new and newish projects.

The first is TOP SECRET and cannot be revealed yet, lest I jinx the whole enterprise and ruin it for ever. Not that I'm superstitious or anything. (Anyone have any four-leaf clovers or rabbit's feet on them?)

The other is the return of my other, more family-friendly creation, The Carrotty Kid.


I stopped updating The Carrotty Kid's site earlier this year, largely because I began to think that maybe I was actually no good at this cartooning lark, despite having doodled and scribbled for most of my life.

However, I still draw the odd picture for Lord Likely's site, which I've enjoyed doing, and thanks to my recent assignment of drawing comic strips for the vue cinemas newsletter, I've suddenly felt a resurgence of confidence in my (admittedly limited) abilities. Especially when I submitted the last vue comic, which I was particularly proud of, and which I've reproduced here for you to look at with your eyes:

Haha! Oh, Batman!

As well as rediscovering my artistic mojo (as it were), I've been reading a fair few webcomics which have all inspired me to pick up my pens again. Stuff like the ever-excellent Dinoballs, Jamie Smart's new venture Whubble and the legendary Beaver and Steve have all given me the cartooning itch, which I am now determined to scratch. Scratch hard until it BLEEDS.

Thus inspired and full of fire, I've decided that I am going to relaunch The Carrotty Kid's website next month. I love the little vegetable vigilante, as he was a creation I came up with as a kid and has been my most successful idea yet, earning me some paid work from the UK's finest animation studio, Cosgrove Hall Films, which in turn led to CK becoming the star of his own three-minute pilot episode which would have led to a full series, if only Children's ITV hadn't imploded in on itself. The swines.

The new-look Carrotty Kid will be a bit different from before. I'm going to re-jig the character's design slightly, and I'm going to change the site's format a bit to prevent me (and the readers) from getting bored. Hopefully the end result will be one-hundred percent excellent, and nought percent rubbish.

Of course, with me going back to cartooning, my other ventures may have to suffer slightly. Lord Likely will be dropping to a twice-weekly update schedule (from his current three posts a week), and my spoof showbiz site gaup may well be killed off altogether, unless anyone reading wants to pick up the baton and run with it.

So there you go. Get ready for the return of everyone's favourite kung-fu carrot, coming to a monitor screen near you in June 2008. Go and visit the website now to see a bit of teaser art, and an exciting countdown clock, counting down the days until CK's rebirth.

It's so exciting, you might just PEE.

In other news, please welcome back Mike Whaite to the internet. Mike was the guy responsible for pretty much all the animation in The Carrotty Kid's pilot episode (which you should go and watch and remark on how excellent it is, by the way) and a guy with whom I seemed to click instantly. He's ridiculously talented and excellent, so check out his wondrous portfolio here and fab little website Popmash. He good.

And finally, keep checking Lord Likely's site, to read some truly excellent guest posts from some fine guest writers. Everyone's done a tip-top job thus far, and I thank you all from the bottom of my trousers. Thank you.

Right. That's it for now. I've got vegetables to draw. Tara!

- Fanton.

What The Hell Am I Doing?

Hello, Sickbaggers!

It's alright, I haven't died or anything. Or maybe I have, and maybe someone else has hacked into my Blogger account and is pretending to be me RIGHT NOW, while in actual fact I am buried in a garden somewhere, covered in ants.

Or maybe I'm a ghost, writing this on my ghostly PC. Which would make me the very definition of a ghost writer. Hahahaha!

Seriously though, I'm not dead.

I've been taking a bit of a break from blogging and inter-netting for a couple of weeks, just so that I can do other things like enjoy the sunshine, read books and throw pens at gypsies all day long. Just a few of my favourite things.

So I apologise for my absence, and for not visiting you and your lovely web-logs, but I just wanted to step back for a bit and take a wee break. As in a small break, not just a break for weeing.

Although, incidentally, I have been weeing during my wee break.

Anyway, I'm jabbering now.

I'll be back in a week or two, but in the meantime why not visit The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely, where a slew of top-notch guest writers are stepping up to the proverbial plate and knocking out some wonderfully excellent (and excellently wonderful) guest posts, while I sit around lounging around doing bugger all. It's a good life.

Speak again soon!

BYEEE!

- Fanton.

Gremlins in the Works

Hello, there!

Below is the best TV ad I have ever seen, featuring not only Peter Jones from off of Dragons' Den (a show I am rather to fond of), but also those pint-sized pests the gremlins, last seen on our screens in Gremlins 2: The New Batch back in 1990. It's an excellent advert, which made me smile and which makes me really want to see another Gremlins movie. NOW!

Here be it:



Talking of gremlins, my job has thrown a few gremlins into the works of late, hence no Lord Likely update since Monday. I know, I'm rubbish, but hopefully his lordship will return over the week-end.

See ya!

- Fanton.

So Close, And Yet So Far

Those of you who follow the fate and fortunes of the publishing industry may already know that The Friday Project - a small publisher set up in 2005 with the aim of converting the best of the web to proper books - went into liquidation last month.

What you probably won't know is that last December I had quite a jolly meeting with the (entirely lovely and very amiable) folk at The Friday Project, with a view to publishing a proper, fully-fledged Lord Likely book. With pages and a cover, and everything.

The meeting went very well, so this news is doubly sad, as it means the end of what could have been the Greatest Literary Event of All Time. But hey ho, such is life.

I'm making quite a habit of getting tantalisingly close to having my work published or screened. As well as the Lord Likely book, I also managed to get very near to getting an animated series made based around another of my characters, The Carrotty Kid. I got all the way up to the pilot episode stage, before the UK kid's TV market seemed to implode in on itself, and the series never came to pass.

Still, I got a shiny DVD out of it, containing an exciting glimpse of what could have been:

So, I'm still struggling on, and still hoping that one day one of my ridiculous ideas will finally earn me some money.

Now, can anyone spare me a tenner?

- Fanton.

Dreadlock Holiday

Hey! Guess what! No, not that. Or that. No, not that, either. I'll have to tell you - I'm on holiday! Yippee!

Of course, being a 'struggling artist' (read: penniless hobo), I can't afford to go anywhere sunny and nice, but hey - at least I'm not at work. Huzzah!

Instead, I am spending some time with my parents, my sister and their pets, back home in Ringwood. Ringwood is a little market town on the outskirts of the New Forest, in the South of England, and is famous for three things:

1. It has a brewery.
2. It was used for location filming for the BBC sitcom The Brittas Empire.
3. The 1st Duke of Monmouth was held in the town in 1685, before being executed.

There's not a great deal to do in the town, to be honest, but its nice enough to return to once in a while, to escape city life for a bit.

So, in the absence of anything else to do, I have been taking snaps of things with my digital camera.

Therefore, it's now...HOLIDAY PHOTO TIME! (Try not to snore too loudly).

Me and my parents' frankly excellent cat, Sid. Look at his cute face!
And the cat's. Hahahahaha! Oh my!

The family dog, Ringo. The stupidest thing on four legs.

Me in my 'I'm Kind of a Big Deal' t-shirt which I won via Fuel My Blog.
I've been meaning to snap myself in it for a while now,
and finally - FINALLY - I have gotten round to it. Hooray!

That darn dog again.

And there's the cat again. Note his unamused face. He is less of a LolCat, and more of a FuckYouCat.

Ringo, meanwhile, auditions to be a RipDog.

Even when on holiday, I'm still hard at work on The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely. I just never stop - and it's all for YOU.

Finally, big hugs to you all. Awwww. How sweet.
(PS: I have my nob out, just out of shot).

So there you go.

Tomorrow, I might go and take some pictures of some crows or something. Or possibly my ball-bag.

- Fanton.

Getting Back to Business

Hello, chums!

This is another slightly dull inform-o-post, designed to fill your head with facts about my life that you probably didn't wish to know. For that, I apologise in advance.

Actually, no I don't It's my bloody blog, and I'll do as I please. ALRIGHT?

Anyway, having been kept busy lately by various work-related shenanigans, I am happy to say that I finished my last comic strip for the vue Cinema newsletter this morning (at the ungodly hour of half four in the morning), thus freeing up my time once more to do other stuff. HOORAY!

First on my agenda is tossing off a post for the British Speak blog, where Lord Likely will be cuming up with as many different euphemisms for having a wank, purely for educational purposes, of course.

Then, I hope to finally get around to updating my poor, neglected gaup site, and maybe even do a few new RIPdogs and other such nonsense.

Plus, I have plans for my sadly abandoned Carrotty Kid site, which I aim to get around to some time this Millennium. Whew!

Of course, most of this stuff will have to wait until 7pm on Saturday, as between 6.20pm and 7pm I shall be glued to my TV set, like a wide-eyed child, gurgling with glee at the return of one of my all-time favourite television shows, Doctor Who.

I can't help it. I love the time-travelling lunatic.

I'll leave you with the trailer for the fourth series of the BBC's family-friendly sci-fi smash-hit, while I go off and visit some of your blogs that I've been too busy to visit lately. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?



I'll be RIGHT BACK.

Tara!

- Fanton.

All Apologies

Hello!

This is just a short post today.

See ya!

Hahaha! I crack me up.

No, the real purpose of this post is just to explain my distinct absence from the wacky World Wide Web this week. Since Monday, I've barely set foot upon the virtual super-highway, let alone driven a big truck of comedic wonder down it.

That is because my real, paying job (as tedious and unfulfilling as it is) has decided to gobble up as many of my life's precious hours as possible this week. I've been shackled with three ten hour shifts in a row, PLUS I had to attend a stupid staff meeting at midnight tonight, which was RUBBISH, and has left me with no free hours in which to masturbate write my usual HILARIOUS 'stuff'.


I'll be working over the week-end too, but for those who care, I hope to update The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely tomorrow night-ish, and then do a new gaup on Monday-ish. Ish.

So: apologies for not frequenting everyone's fine blogs as much as I would like, and for failing to respond to e-mails and other such gubbins. And of course, I'm truly sorry for depriving you all of my incredible, shining wit and wondrousness.

Normal business will resume ASAP, unless I choose to sleep for a hundred years.

Be right back, chums!

- Fanton.

Weekend? What weekend?

I hate it when I get an idea.

Since Friday, when I first thought of creating a new website, I've been plugging away at making the bloody thing, wrote several posts, spent hours grappling with code, made some pictures, and then put it all together.

Now, it's finally done. Hoo-fucking-ray!

Behold the fruits of my tireless labours: gaup, a spoof celebrity news site featuring a whole load of stuff, including a lovely picture of a colon, and a half-naked Billie Piper.

I hope you guys like it. At least pretend you do. You have no idea how long I spent slaving over hot pixels for it.

And THEN I even did a new post for Lord Likely, and now I feel like I want to sleep FOREVER. Sometimes I think I must be a mental case. I have no idea why I do this to myself.

It must be for the chicks.

"Thanks, Fanton!"

Bloody hell. That wasn't very funny, was it?

Well, I think that proves that my brain is officially shutting down now. Plus, I think my eyes are melting. So I'm going to try and catch at least thirty winks.

Tara!

- Fanton.

Lord Likely: The Movie!

Yes, it's true. They really are making a Lord Likely movie, starring Daniel Day-Lewis and his mighty, award-winning moustache as the titular aristocrat. No, really! It's true! All true! ALL OF IT.

Well, alright then. So it isn't. You got me. Happy now? Sheesh. A man can dream, can't he?

Anyway, while it's true to say that Hollywood has not come calling, showering me in millions of dollars and expensive narcotics, I have still made a Lord Likely movie of sorts. And by 'sorts' I mean 'a short video on YouTube featuring incredibly limited animation'.

I didn't really set out to make the video, I just found myself with a few hours to spare and a sudden, unexpected burst of creative energy, and so I went ahead and made a little promotional trailer to advertise Lord Likely's (awesome) blog, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely (which I write, in case any of you are slow on the uptake).

Despite the piece only lasting for forty-seven seconds, the video took hours to make, thanks to my stupid antiquated old PC crashing on me half-way through, and losing me a whole afternoon's work. Needless to say, I swore. A lot. If only I had a computer that was anywhere near hi-spec, I'd probably be ruling the entire internet by now. YES I WOULD.

So, without further ado, here comes the motion picture event of the year, cobbled together using a knackered old computer and a freebie paint package I got off of a magazine once. Behold and witness film-making at its most exemplary!

Whew! Was it good for you, too?

And Now For A Competition.

Actually, now that I've made that lovely poster up above, I've decided to start the very first Digital Sickbag competition, which I've cleverly entitled:

Lights, Camera, Blog!

To partake in this FABULOUS contest, all you need to do is to knock up a poster re-imagining your very own blog as a big-budget Hollywood movie, like the Lord Likely one up the top there. Who would you cast in the lead role of you? What would the tag-line be? What rating?
Go crazy, it's your fantasy after all.

Once you've put together a lovely film poster of Your Blog: The Movie, then post it on your own blog and leave a link in the comments section here, so I can go and have a look. Simple! Or you can email your finished masterpiece to andy fanton at google mail dot com and I'll have a look at it and laugh and laugh and laugh before consigning it to the recycle bin of doom. Maybe.

Don't worry about creating something incredibly polished and slick. You can throw together some random images in your paint package of choice, or doodle something on a napkin. It's up to YOU. All I'm looking for is something creative and funny. Naked breasts are an option worth considering, however.

The winner will receive either 200 Entrecard Credits, (if they are an Entrecard member, of course), or some other prize if they aren't. It'll probably be amazing. Amazingly cheap, that is.

PLUS! All participants will get a permanent link from this very blog which you are reading right now, with the winner also garnering a permanent link on the sidebars both here AND at lordlikely.co.uk (which receive thousands of visitors a week, and currently has a Google Page Rank of 4, for those who like to know these thing).

The closing date is, ooh, let's say the 20th February. I just picked that date completely at random, you know.

Man, that sounds like an awesome contest, if you ask me. You'd better get going.

HAVE FUN, and I'll see you AT THE MOVIES!

(I cannot believe I just said that).


- Fanton.


PS: If anyone wishes to send me a brand-new, completely excellent PC, I should like to let you know that I am not too proud to accept such a generous gift. Just so you know.

Why swearing is both big and clever

I fucking love swearing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those vile yobs who feel the need to curse and swear constantly in my day-to-day life, like a particularly foul-mouthed sailor; but when writing I find a good, well-placed swear really can bring a piece alive.

The reason I mention this is that Fiar, writer of the excellent humorblogging.com, recently sent me a link to an article on the Problogger blog, entitled 'Dropping the F-Bomb: Blogging With Naughty Words', which he thought I might find interesting. He was right.

The piece itself was a fairly even-handed (if rather patronising) treatment of the subject, but upon reading the comments section I soon found my blood beginning to boil, and it took all my will and self-control to prevent myself pounding my monitor to pieces with my bare fists, while screaming 'CUUUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTTTS' at the top of my voice.

The reason for my rather vitriolic reaction was the smug, sanctimonious tone struck by some of the holier-than-thou, self-appointed defenders of morality in response to the article. No cliché was left unused.

'Swearing shows that the writer has a limited vocabulary!' some screamed, in a staggering display of limited thought. How can having MORE words at your disposal be limiting your vocabulary, exactly? As a (sort of) writer, words are my tools. Every single one of them, dirty or not. I'd argue that those who exclude certain words from their lexicon are the ones displaying a limited vocabulary, by the very act of limiting their vocabulary. Surely?

'Using swear words is lazy!' others cried, lazily. 'It takes zero writing talent!' they bleated. I could not disagree more. When writing The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely, my fiction blog chronicling the life of a Victorian aristocrat who drinks, swears and humps his way through various misadventures, I have to be quite creative when swearing. I update the blog three times a week on average, and trying to keep the swearing fresh and imaginative is quite a challenge, I can tell you. Thus I delight in twisting and turning the curses into new, unusual shapes; conjoining them like sweary Siamese twins, or turning rude adjectives into crude verbs. It takes quite a lot of work behind the scenes. I mean, do you know how difficult it is to come up with a fresh euphemism for masturbation on a weekly basis? I can't just bash it out in a few seconds, I have to pound away for a good, long while until I'm completely satisfied.

'Swearing drives readers and advertisers away!' the naysayers wailed. Well, advertisers can fuck off, frankly. I may have a few Google Ads on Lord Likely's site, but I'm not in this solely for the money. I'm not that appallingly shallow. If I was, I certainly wouldn't be writing a fiction blog about a drunk lord - I'd be writing about how to monetize your blog, or some such guff. No, I'm in it to write, to create and to (try) and entertain. And if the way I write does turn some readers away, then to be honest they won't be missed. My writing just isn't for them, and I do not propose I start pandering to them.

Incredibly, one commenter even went as far as to claim that 'it [swearing] just shouldn’t be in literature of any type'. After reading that, I picked myself up off the floor and dashed outside, to check that there weren't masses of fascist policeman patrolling the streets. There weren't. It seems I do still live in a free country after all. Thank fuck for that.

I personally swear for many reasons. Swear words are incredibly useful words to use to demonstrate extreme shock or anger. If I write a piece about someone being punched in the face by a twenty-stone gangster, the exclamation, 'Crikey!', whilst being all lovely, fluffly and completely non-offensive, will not have the same impact as 'Fuck! What the fuck did you do that for, you asshole?' Indeed, the former would seem completely unsuitable and out of place. It's all about the context, and using the right tools for the job. Swear words exist for a reason, you know.

I confess that I do sometimes use swear words for the simple reason that I find them fucking funny. Especially the good old British swears, like 'wanker' or 'bollocks'. If the timing is right, you can make a good punchline ten times as funny by simply slipping in a 'twat', so to speak. I honestly believe that when deployed correctly, swearing adds a certain cadence and rhythm to your prose that somehow makes the whole thing seem much funnier.

Observe this clip of two of the Kings of Cuss, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, in the guise of their foul-mouthed alter-egos, Derek and Clive. There is no video on this clip - just a still of the duo - but listen to it. Listen to the supreme use of swearing. Listen to the rhythm, and the pace of it all. Listen to how they build upon the swearing, until it reaches a glorious, crude crescendo. It's a genius display of first-rate cussing.



As I said at the top of this page, I fucking love swearing. I respect that some people are offended by such language, and if that is the case, move on, pass it by. Just don't start telling me what I am or who you think I am by using such curses.

Because that'll just piss me right off.

- Fanton.

Agree, or fucking well disagree? Think swearing is shitting well brilliant, or do you think it is demonstrative of someone being a complete cock-end? Spew up your thoughts in the comments section, and bloody well say your piece.

Flash Men and Likely Lords

Last week, British literature lost one of its very finest comic writers, when the author George MacDonald Fraser passed away at the ripe old age of eighty-two.

For those unfamiliar with the writer in question, Fraser was a writer and journalist, who found considerable fame and fortune with the publication of his Flashman novels.

In these brilliantly funny books, Fraser took the simple conceit of plucking the unlikeable character of Harry Flashman from Thomas Hughes' Victorian novel, Tom Brown's Schooldays, and then developing a whole new series of adventures for the bullying rascal, chronicling his life after being expelled from Rugby school on account of his drunkenness.

In the first of the series, we catch up with Flashman as he becomes a soldier caught up in the midst of the British retreat from Kabul in the first Afghanistan war (1839-42). Despite the horrors taking place around him, Flashman still delights in drinking and sex, whilst trying to save his neck during the conflict by any cowardly means possible.

The book deftly combined painstakingly researched historical fact with high farce and bawdy comedy, a mixture that proved to be extremely alluring to the public. After the success of his solo debut, Flashman went on to get embroiled in Custer's Last Stand, the Indian Mutiny, and the Charge of the Light Brigade, amongst other notable events over the course of the series, which spanned twelve books in total.

I only started reading the astonishing tales of the Victorian rogue and bounder last summer, which may surprise readers of my other blog, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely, in which I chronicle the astonishing tales of another Victorian rogue and bounder.

It was through Lord Likely that I discovered Flashman, (as opposed to the other way around), when I was directed to the Flashman books by fellow blogger Scaryduck, who suggested the two characters might be related. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, so set about getting hold of a copy to see for myself.

Upon picking up the first novel in the series, my heart sank. Not because it was awful, or depressing - it was truly excellent - but because it seemed everything I was trying to do with Likely had already been done - and much better - by Fraser. The cover alone (above) seemed to capture the very essence of Lord Likely better than I could have ever managed.

Upon reading the novel, however, I realised that there were differences. The first obvious one was that Flashman was a regular guy, whilst Lord Likely is, well, a lord. Secondly, Flashman was a terrible coward and reluctant hero, while Likely is much more proactive, seeking out adventure and intrigue to alleviate the boredom bought about by the tedious routine of his aristocratic duties. Finally, Flashman is much more of a solitary character (save his wife, Elspeth), while Likely rarely travels anywhere without his long-suffering man-servant, Botter.

Of course, Fraser's work was much more rigourously researched, while the Astonishing Adventures favour crudity, farce and slapstick over historical accuracy. And I need not point out that Fraser's writing is much better than mine, but then again Likely's cock is undoubtedly bigger than Flashman's.

I was relieved to discover these differences. I hadn't set out to ape the exploits of Harry Flashman, nor rip-off George MacDonald Fraser. If anything, I'd set out to pay homage and parody Sherlock Holmes and Charles Dickens. As well as making dozens of penis jokes.

Happily, there is room enough for both takes on the Victorian hero in this world, and in fact reading Flashman has encouraged me to up my game and try harder. Why, I even did some actual research for Lord Likely's American Adventure! I used books and everything. Whatever next?

So I continue the adventures of Lord Likely unabated and more inspired. In fact, in the very latest episode, I have even had his lordship meet Harry Flashman, as a small tribute from one humble blogger, to a master of comic writing who paved the way for whippersnappers like me to stomp noisily all over it, treading mud all over the beautifully paved metaphorical path.

Mr. Fraser, sir, I raise a glass of brandy to you. Cheers!

- Fanton.