Virtual Wordsack: One

Welcome, dear readers!

Having seen the Sickbag become something of a repository for meandering posts about nothing of any interest lately, I thought it was high time I forced this blog back on track, and restored it to its rightful position as the best place on the internet to find the very finest writing imaginable.

To this end, may I welcome you to a new, regular feature on the Sickbag, which I have called 'Digital Sickbag's Virtual Wordsack' (henceforth known as DSVW, which I admit does sound like a car-simulator for Nintendo's current handheld console of choice).

DSVW will feature some of my own personal poetry, created by my own hands and brain, and shared with you, The Internet. It's about time we had some real culture here, wouldn't you agree?

So here for your enjoyment I present my verse. I hope you enjoy. It.

Love Machine

My pistons are pumping
My gears are turning fast
I'm ready for humping
Inspection I have passed.

My motor is turning
My nuts and bolts are tight
My furnace is burning
I'll be running all night

My crankshaft is cranking
My engine purrs inside
Get ready for spanking
-Oh!
My battery has died.

Oh no!
Now I'm leaking oil
See it drip onto the floor
Girl please don't recoil...

This never happened before.


Splish Splash On My Moustache


Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

Aw no look at that it's rainin' down on me,
Coming down hard like an upside-down sea.
This has ruined my day, robbed it of its fizz,
It's like God pulled down his pants and took a mighty whizz.

Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain,
Well I took a plane to Spain during Juan Carlos' reign
And do you know what I saw when I got there?
Everywhere was rained upon, it all got its share.

Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

I guess what I'm saying is rain will always get you wet,
I know that's kinda obvious but just don't you forget.
The real reason why the rain has made me so dismayed
Is that its pissed upon my perfectly-planned parade.


Donut

I really don't understand your dislike of the donut
Some people share your views but I simply do not
Why is it that you hate donuts so, what gets you in this knot?
You can tell me honey, let me in your doo-dah nut.

Why do you despise this tasty treat from the bakery?
Did it cheat on you, was it bigamy?
I'm sorry that wasn't very big of me
But I cannot comprehend your hate of this delicacy.

What about the ones with the tasty chocolate icing?
Surely those donuts have got to be somewhat enticing?
Jam donuts I always find so appetising
I really cannot see what it is that you are despising.

Were you bullied by donuts when you were at school?
Did they pick on you and make you look a fool?
'Cos that kind of behaviour is really not cool,
But to take it out on all donuts is just plain cruel.

I'm sorry to go on, girl, but it just shows how much I care,
I hate to see these donuts driving you so very spare,
If you really don't want one then I guess that that's fair,
If you would much prefer, I'll get you an éclair.


To Bille



Oh Billie, Billie, Billie,
Can't you see what you're doing
To my willy, willy, willy?

When I noticed you,
on Doctor Who
You looked so cute I wanted to
Doctor You
We'd fly off in that box of blue,
just like the
Doctor'd do,
We'd find a lonely planet and there we'd screw
I'd really like to
Doggy you.
Yeah!

Now you play a ho
on that TV show
But you're beautiful so
you ain't no ho
I can't believe yo'
would lower yourself so.
But if the rates were reasonable
I'd still give you a go
yeah.

Oh Billie, Billie, Billie,
Can't you see what you're doing
To my willy, willy, willy?

I thank you.

- Fanton.

Five Weeks in the Making

Cor blimey, guv.

Its been five weeks or so since I last updated the Sickbag. What exactly have I been doing in that time?

I'll tell you what - I came up with this truly EXCELLENT joke. BEHOLD:

Q: What happened to the man who gave Nostradamus a haircut and a shave?

A: He made a tidy prophet!

Ah-hahahahaha!

Well worth the wait, I"m sure you'll agree.

- Fanton.

What Time Do You Call This, Sonny?

Hello!

I have rather neglected this blog and all my blogging activities of late, for which I humbly apologise and beg for your forgiveness.

I have been struck with a mixture of extreme laziness and apathy of late, but I took some tablets and it seems to have cleared up nicely.

So: I am back, and ready to roll. As well as all my blogging stuff, I'm also working on what may turn out to be a proper, full-paying cartooning gig; as well as toying with some new ideas for Lord Likely...so watch this space.

In other news, I may be a little distracted this week, as I'm counting down the days until the grand finale of the current series of Doctor Who airs. Last week's cliffhanger had me literally soiling myself with excitement, and I simply cannot wait to see how it all pans out.

If you've yet to see last week's Who, then look away now. For the rest of us, here's the teaser for next Saturday's episode:



Oooh! I just did a little more wee.

I'll be back with a better-quality post soon. Until then, take care of yourselves, and each other.

Byeee!

- Fanton.

All Apologies

Hello!

This is just a short post today.

See ya!

Hahaha! I crack me up.

No, the real purpose of this post is just to explain my distinct absence from the wacky World Wide Web this week. Since Monday, I've barely set foot upon the virtual super-highway, let alone driven a big truck of comedic wonder down it.

That is because my real, paying job (as tedious and unfulfilling as it is) has decided to gobble up as many of my life's precious hours as possible this week. I've been shackled with three ten hour shifts in a row, PLUS I had to attend a stupid staff meeting at midnight tonight, which was RUBBISH, and has left me with no free hours in which to masturbate write my usual HILARIOUS 'stuff'.


I'll be working over the week-end too, but for those who care, I hope to update The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely tomorrow night-ish, and then do a new gaup on Monday-ish. Ish.

So: apologies for not frequenting everyone's fine blogs as much as I would like, and for failing to respond to e-mails and other such gubbins. And of course, I'm truly sorry for depriving you all of my incredible, shining wit and wondrousness.

Normal business will resume ASAP, unless I choose to sleep for a hundred years.

Be right back, chums!

- Fanton.

Weekend? What weekend?

I hate it when I get an idea.

Since Friday, when I first thought of creating a new website, I've been plugging away at making the bloody thing, wrote several posts, spent hours grappling with code, made some pictures, and then put it all together.

Now, it's finally done. Hoo-fucking-ray!

Behold the fruits of my tireless labours: gaup, a spoof celebrity news site featuring a whole load of stuff, including a lovely picture of a colon, and a half-naked Billie Piper.

I hope you guys like it. At least pretend you do. You have no idea how long I spent slaving over hot pixels for it.

And THEN I even did a new post for Lord Likely, and now I feel like I want to sleep FOREVER. Sometimes I think I must be a mental case. I have no idea why I do this to myself.

It must be for the chicks.

"Thanks, Fanton!"

Bloody hell. That wasn't very funny, was it?

Well, I think that proves that my brain is officially shutting down now. Plus, I think my eyes are melting. So I'm going to try and catch at least thirty winks.

Tara!

- Fanton.

Lighten Up!

Behold, loyal readers! A brave new era dawns upon Digital Sickbag, as we unveil are slightly new look!

Basically, all we did was change the background colour from black to white, and added a spiffy new header.

But still, it looks pretty good, yeah? To be honest, the old colour scheme was starting to depress me, as it felt like I was hiding in a darkened corner of the internet, like some kind of filthy pervert or something.

Now, it looks a lot brighter and more inviting, don't you think?

DON'T YOU?

In other news, I hope to be launching another EXCELLENT website soon, destined to go down in history as the Greatest Thing Ever Made By Man, and fully justifying the creation of the internet.

Or it might just be stupid and filled with nob-gags.

UPDATE: here is a little promotional piece for the forthcoming New Site of Excellence:

INTRIGUE!

Well, it seems like the future's going to be sticky, and full of sick.

HOORAY!

- Fanton.

Judgement Day

It's the moment you've ALL been waiting for, readers - it's competition winner announcement time! HOORAY!

I apologise for the delay, but I have been a bit sickly over the last few days (awwwwww!) However, it seems that my body is kicking the flu right in the plums, so I can now return to my blog-related duties. DOUBLE HOORAY!

The Digital Sickbag competition, Lights, Camera Blog!, drew a WHOPPING five entries from a fine selection of bloggers across the GLOBE. Well, America, mostly. A big thank you to each and every one of you!

To help me judge the five finalists, I have enlisted the help of respected art critic, historian and television pundit Brian Sewell, who will donate his vast expertise and critical nous, and help us select a winner. So, without further ado, here are the exhibits in our glorious gallery of wonder. Click the images to enlarge...

Entry #1: Chelle, The Offended Blogger.
'The Offended Blogger Movie'.

Entry #2: Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass
'Banana'.

Entry #3: Bimmy the Bookish
'Frog Blog Dog Log'.

Entry #4: .45 Caliber
'The .45 Caliber Menace'.

Entry #5: Grumpus
'When Things Get Dark'.

Brian Sewell Says:

"Well, what a varied and diverse range of entries, I must say. Mmmmm. Chelle's entry makes good use of the film poster format, with a catchy tagline ('Offending Soon At A Theatre Near You') and a nice, clean, eye-catching design. I enjoy the way the colours pop out against the black background. It makes my willy hard.

"The entry entitled 'Bananas' is brilliantly cheeky, in letting the original poster do most of the work, due to the fortuitous coincidence that both the original film and the blog share the same name. Brazen, but it makes my balls firm up a great deal.

"Entry number three, by Bimmy, once again boasts a lovely tagline ('More Fun Than You Can Shake A Wet Dog At') and displays a playful sense of fun, much like myself when running naked through a leafy glen. Mmmmmm.

"The .45 Caliber entry is wonderfully designed, very sharp and slick, and makes superb use of that young lady from the pop charts, who I used to picture licking my scrotum whenever I masturbated, before she went all nuts and shit.

"The final entry, from Grumpus, fills me with a feeling of doom, for reasons I cannot place. The use of an Indiana Jones poster is inspired, especially with a new movie in the offing. A shrewd move, that makes semen dribble slowly from the tip of my penis."

Well, thank you Mr. Sewell. You've been most informative, and surprisingly filthy.

AND NOW...THE WINNER!

Brian Sewell and I had a heated discussion, then we wrestled naked for a bit, and then we came to the same conclusion: that the winner of the first ever Digital Sickbag contest is...

(Drumroll)

(Bit more drumroll)

(Just a bit more)

...Mr. .45 Caliber!

(Applause, cheers).

Congratulations, sir! 200 whole Entrecard Credits will be deposited into your off-shore bank account anytime soon, as well as permanent links on the Digital Sickbag sidebar of Glory, and on Lord Likely's blogroll to boot.

I am really, truly grateful to all of you who took the time to enter this daft little contest, and I genuinely did laugh out loud at the madness and inventiveness on display. You're all winners, in my book.

.45 Caliber is just MORE winner, that's all!

- Fanton.


Just in case any lawyers are reading, Mr. Brian Sewell did not endorse our contest in any way, shaper or form, nor did he actually take part in any judging or say anything dirty. It's all just a bit of fun.