Judgement Day

It's the moment you've ALL been waiting for, readers - it's competition winner announcement time! HOORAY!

I apologise for the delay, but I have been a bit sickly over the last few days (awwwwww!) However, it seems that my body is kicking the flu right in the plums, so I can now return to my blog-related duties. DOUBLE HOORAY!

The Digital Sickbag competition, Lights, Camera Blog!, drew a WHOPPING five entries from a fine selection of bloggers across the GLOBE. Well, America, mostly. A big thank you to each and every one of you!

To help me judge the five finalists, I have enlisted the help of respected art critic, historian and television pundit Brian Sewell, who will donate his vast expertise and critical nous, and help us select a winner. So, without further ado, here are the exhibits in our glorious gallery of wonder. Click the images to enlarge...

Entry #1: Chelle, The Offended Blogger.
'The Offended Blogger Movie'.

Entry #2: Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass
'Banana'.

Entry #3: Bimmy the Bookish
'Frog Blog Dog Log'.

Entry #4: .45 Caliber
'The .45 Caliber Menace'.

Entry #5: Grumpus
'When Things Get Dark'.

Brian Sewell Says:

"Well, what a varied and diverse range of entries, I must say. Mmmmm. Chelle's entry makes good use of the film poster format, with a catchy tagline ('Offending Soon At A Theatre Near You') and a nice, clean, eye-catching design. I enjoy the way the colours pop out against the black background. It makes my willy hard.

"The entry entitled 'Bananas' is brilliantly cheeky, in letting the original poster do most of the work, due to the fortuitous coincidence that both the original film and the blog share the same name. Brazen, but it makes my balls firm up a great deal.

"Entry number three, by Bimmy, once again boasts a lovely tagline ('More Fun Than You Can Shake A Wet Dog At') and displays a playful sense of fun, much like myself when running naked through a leafy glen. Mmmmmm.

"The .45 Caliber entry is wonderfully designed, very sharp and slick, and makes superb use of that young lady from the pop charts, who I used to picture licking my scrotum whenever I masturbated, before she went all nuts and shit.

"The final entry, from Grumpus, fills me with a feeling of doom, for reasons I cannot place. The use of an Indiana Jones poster is inspired, especially with a new movie in the offing. A shrewd move, that makes semen dribble slowly from the tip of my penis."

Well, thank you Mr. Sewell. You've been most informative, and surprisingly filthy.

AND NOW...THE WINNER!

Brian Sewell and I had a heated discussion, then we wrestled naked for a bit, and then we came to the same conclusion: that the winner of the first ever Digital Sickbag contest is...

(Drumroll)

(Bit more drumroll)

(Just a bit more)

...Mr. .45 Caliber!

(Applause, cheers).

Congratulations, sir! 200 whole Entrecard Credits will be deposited into your off-shore bank account anytime soon, as well as permanent links on the Digital Sickbag sidebar of Glory, and on Lord Likely's blogroll to boot.

I am really, truly grateful to all of you who took the time to enter this daft little contest, and I genuinely did laugh out loud at the madness and inventiveness on display. You're all winners, in my book.

.45 Caliber is just MORE winner, that's all!

- Fanton.


Just in case any lawyers are reading, Mr. Brian Sewell did not endorse our contest in any way, shaper or form, nor did he actually take part in any judging or say anything dirty. It's all just a bit of fun.

Sick As A Parrot

I'm feeling sick.

In fact, I'm feeling as sick as a parrot. Specifically, this parrot:


I'm full of the flu at the moment, so will be spending the next couple of days sneezing and coughing and looking sullen. Therefore, if you are so inclined, you can keep submitting your excellent entries for our equally excellent competition, and I'll try to get around to announcing a winner by Monday-ish.

Sorry about that! In the meantime, feel free to heap your pity and sympathy upon my weakened shoulders, and I will speak to you all SOON!

If I'm not DEAD by then.

- Fanton.

Happy Moranismas, Everyone!

Forget Valentine's Day, Pancake Day and Easter ruddy Sunday. There is only one festival worth celebrating at this time of year - Moranismas.

Moranismas is an annual celebration of Canadian comic and movie actor Rick Moranis, a celebration concocted by my good self and my best chum, Stu Munro (see here to witness some of Stu's brilliant web-comics, by the way!) Every February 17th, Stu and I get together and indulge in a festival of all things Rick, by watching back-to-back Moranis movies while chugging down beers and filling our faces with donuts (the preferred food and drink of the McKenzie brothers in the Rick Moranis-penned film, Strange Brew). It truly is a most magical of days.

I can't quite recall how this special day came about, but I'm guessing that large quantities of alcohol were involved in its genesis, alongside our life-long passion for the diminutive, nerdy actor and his fine body of work; including celluloid classics like Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Spaceballs and Head Office.

Actually, forget Head Office. That one's rubbish.

So, we thought it was high-time Moranis was given his own day, a yearly opportunity for us to stop and contemplate the majesty of Moranis, and give thanks for all his films. That was about seven or eight years ago now, and we're still doing it.

Yes, we probably do need some sort of a life.

Anyway, join us in celebrating all things Rick Moranis, by watching a Rick Moranis film tonight or somewhen this week, and pause and reflect on just how excellent Moranis is. Or, if you're on Facebook (and who isn't? Rick Moranis, probably. He's too cool for Facebook) then take a moment to partake in the Rick Moranis Rules! movie quiz which I created. Or just suffix your sentences with a simple 'eh' all day, to recreate the Moranis experience in your own home.


Come one, come all! Hail to the hoser! Moranis be praised! Happy Moranismas, everyone!

- Fanton.

There are still three days to go to enter our 'Lights, Camera, Blog!' contest, wherein we want to see you turn your blog into a blockbuster movie. Click here for details, and you could win some 'thing'. It might even be Rick Moranis-related, if you're lucky.

Lord Likely: The Movie!

Yes, it's true. They really are making a Lord Likely movie, starring Daniel Day-Lewis and his mighty, award-winning moustache as the titular aristocrat. No, really! It's true! All true! ALL OF IT.

Well, alright then. So it isn't. You got me. Happy now? Sheesh. A man can dream, can't he?

Anyway, while it's true to say that Hollywood has not come calling, showering me in millions of dollars and expensive narcotics, I have still made a Lord Likely movie of sorts. And by 'sorts' I mean 'a short video on YouTube featuring incredibly limited animation'.

I didn't really set out to make the video, I just found myself with a few hours to spare and a sudden, unexpected burst of creative energy, and so I went ahead and made a little promotional trailer to advertise Lord Likely's (awesome) blog, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely (which I write, in case any of you are slow on the uptake).

Despite the piece only lasting for forty-seven seconds, the video took hours to make, thanks to my stupid antiquated old PC crashing on me half-way through, and losing me a whole afternoon's work. Needless to say, I swore. A lot. If only I had a computer that was anywhere near hi-spec, I'd probably be ruling the entire internet by now. YES I WOULD.

So, without further ado, here comes the motion picture event of the year, cobbled together using a knackered old computer and a freebie paint package I got off of a magazine once. Behold and witness film-making at its most exemplary!

Whew! Was it good for you, too?

And Now For A Competition.

Actually, now that I've made that lovely poster up above, I've decided to start the very first Digital Sickbag competition, which I've cleverly entitled:

Lights, Camera, Blog!

To partake in this FABULOUS contest, all you need to do is to knock up a poster re-imagining your very own blog as a big-budget Hollywood movie, like the Lord Likely one up the top there. Who would you cast in the lead role of you? What would the tag-line be? What rating?
Go crazy, it's your fantasy after all.

Once you've put together a lovely film poster of Your Blog: The Movie, then post it on your own blog and leave a link in the comments section here, so I can go and have a look. Simple! Or you can email your finished masterpiece to andy fanton at google mail dot com and I'll have a look at it and laugh and laugh and laugh before consigning it to the recycle bin of doom. Maybe.

Don't worry about creating something incredibly polished and slick. You can throw together some random images in your paint package of choice, or doodle something on a napkin. It's up to YOU. All I'm looking for is something creative and funny. Naked breasts are an option worth considering, however.

The winner will receive either 200 Entrecard Credits, (if they are an Entrecard member, of course), or some other prize if they aren't. It'll probably be amazing. Amazingly cheap, that is.

PLUS! All participants will get a permanent link from this very blog which you are reading right now, with the winner also garnering a permanent link on the sidebars both here AND at lordlikely.co.uk (which receive thousands of visitors a week, and currently has a Google Page Rank of 4, for those who like to know these thing).

The closing date is, ooh, let's say the 20th February. I just picked that date completely at random, you know.

Man, that sounds like an awesome contest, if you ask me. You'd better get going.

HAVE FUN, and I'll see you AT THE MOVIES!

(I cannot believe I just said that).


- Fanton.


PS: If anyone wishes to send me a brand-new, completely excellent PC, I should like to let you know that I am not too proud to accept such a generous gift. Just so you know.

Putting the Poo in Spoof

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

- Airplane!, 1980.

I love Airplane!, one of the most perfect spoof movies ever made. A ridiculously funny parody of the Seventies' disaster movies, ruthlessly subverting every cliché and convention of the genre, the movie pretty much laid down the template for the spoof genre and transformed Leslie Nielsen from gravel-toned straight man to comedy superstar.

I have a slight obsession with spoof movies, especially the output of the 'ZAZ' team, (writer/directors Jerry and David Zucker, and Jim Abrahms). I think Police Squad! is one of the best TV comedies ever made; six perfectly crafted episodes prodding and poking the TV detective genre with brilliant skill. The Naked Gun films always cause me to laugh right out loud ("Bingo!") and I firmly believe that Top Secret! is an often overlooked classic.

Somewhere along the line, however, the spoof movie took an awful misstep, leading to the creation of the horrid little stepchild of the genre that clutters up cinema screens across the globe today. Yeah, I'm looking directly at you, Epic Movie, Scary Movie, Fucking-Piece-Of-Shit Movie.

Sadly, I think the ZAZ team are largely to blame. It all started with Hotshots, the satire of Top Gun helmed by ZAZ alumni Jim Abrahms. It's not an awful film by any means - Lloyd Bridges is particularly good in it - but it feels rather like an extended comedy skit, more than a fully-formed film in its own right. This is largely due to the decision to switch the target of the parody from a type of movie to one specific movie, a move that had the unfortunate effect of promoting a new mentality in Hollywood, where all that was needed to make a successful spoof film was to simply rewrite an already popular film, but add more fart jokes and tits. Voilà! - instant parody! Just add jokes.

This cookie-cutter, factory-style approach to parodies lead to a slew of wretched abominations being foisted upon the film-going public, guff like Repossessed, Wrongfully Accused and Spy Hard - all as funny as a knife to the balls; and all tragically starring Leslie Nielsen, who seems hell-bent on using up all of the goodwill earnt on earlier, classier parodies.

The latter of that trilogy of toss, Spy Hard, also threw up ('threw up' being the perfect term, here) writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the bastard progenitors of the spoof genre who, despite making such a stinker as Spy Hard, would somehow be allowed to continue their foul work with crap such as Scary Movies 1-4, Date Movie, Epic Movie and the upcoming laughter-voids that are Meet the Spartans and Superhero Movie. This must surely be all the proof needed to prove we live in a Godless world.

Crispin Glover: Turned down Back to the Future 2, but happily signed up to do Epic Movie. Twat.

Friedberg and Seltzer's idea of a parody is to recreate scenes from films that have been released in the past year or two (presumably because their idiot audience has difficulty in recollecting anything that happened before then) and then they simply throw in some vomit, maybe a nob gag or two and even some breakdancing. Thus these movies become nothing more than a tired exercise in spotting characters from movies doing things that the character would not normally do. Look, mummy! Captain Jack Sparrow is throwing up! Look! The Spartans are dancing! Look! Willy Wonka is body-popping! HILARIOUS!

The spoof movie genre no longer feels obliged to be troubled by such irksome trivialities as plot and character. Today's spoofs shun straight-faced acting for relentless gurning and mugging, and eschew well-crafted gags and jokes for piss and sick. They are loud, obnoxious and charmless, and firmly put the poo in spoof, filling a once ingenious genre with nothing but shit.

I am not just going to sit back and let the rot continue, though. I think I'll pitch my own rioutous spoof movie to Hollywood; a sure-fire winner guaranteed to have audiences rolling in the aisles and showering the producers with cash. It'll redefine the genre, and will spawn a new franchise that'll run and run and run, like a diarrhetic leopard.

It'll be called Spoof Movie, and will feature a man dressed up a bit like Indiana Jones slowly crapping into a pot for a whole hour and a half, to the soundtrack of Britney Spears' Toxic.

That's got to be better than Date Movie, anyway.

- Fanton.