Tuesday, 11 December 2007

The Digital Sickbag Virtual Gig-O-Matic

Last Sunday my sister, her husband and I went along to a Manic Street Preachers gig at the BIC (which is short for Bournemouth International Centre, and does not mean we went along to watch the band play in a giant biro).

Good times were had by all - good times that YOU can recreate in your very home RIGHT NOW thanks to the Digital Sickbag Virtual Gig-O-Matic, bought to you using the very latest in sophisticated computer technology.

To begin this simulation, make sure you are dressed in something with a leopard-print design, or failing that just wear a lot of black, and maybe some eyeliner.

Now, turn off all the lights in your house. If its daytime, then draw your curtains, or just squint at the screen.

Ready? Good. Here comes...the support act, Cherry Ghost:



At this point, you should begin to get restless, because you didn't really want to see these guys. Start talking loudly, or go to the shops and buy yourself some beer. Remember to pay two or three times the price for your booze, to fully capture the gigging experience.

Right, you're back, and just in time, too. Here they are...the MANIC STREET PREACHERS! (Start cheering and whooping like a madman).

The band are opening with one of their older songs, from their first album. Show how hardcore a fan you are by mouthing along to all the lyrics!


You Love Us



Cheer, whoop and applause. And so to the next track - another oldie! Scream at the top of your lungs, people!


Motown Junk




Time for a quick toilet break now. Go and stand outside your toilet for a full twenty minutes before going in. To further add to the atmosphere, you may wish to piss all over the floor, and maybe try and have a crafty cigarette while your there.

Okay, now the band are playing That Song, the one that made them famous. As a hardened fan you should roll your eyes at this point, and maybe shake your head sadly to demonstrate your displeasure.

As the song is popular, the room erupts and people are dancing like crazy. To recreate this experience, jab yourself in the ribs repeatedly with your elbow, and spill some beer down your front.


Design For Life




At this juncture, you might like to start yelling out obtuse comments at your monitor. Stuff like 'WE LOVE YOU NICKY!', or 'SHOW US YOUR LEGS' or something. Alternatively, holler out requests for obscure B-sides and long-forgotten tracks, to further demonstrate your hardcore credentials. Then sigh when the band fails to adhere to your demands, and instead play another chart-topping hit.

Nonetheless, you still love the band, so start jumping up and down, and hurling yourself about like you have been possessed by a spirit. The SPIRIT of ROCK.


Masses Against the Classes




Applaud loudly. At this point, you may like to pretend that the band have said goodnight and walked off stage. Start shouting 'MANICS, MANICS, MANICS!' loudly at the screen. Lo and behold - they're coming back on for one more song! Hooray! Cheer and whistle happily, then erupt into almost orgiastic delight when they start playing one of their older tracks- JUST FOR YOU.


Motorcycle Emptiness




And that's it. It's over. You should be all sweaty and tired now, but happy. Go and stand outside your toilet again for anther twenty minutes, then go outside. Recreate the experience of being harassed by a shifty-looking vendor, selling knock-off band t-shirts, by throwing a twenty pound note down a drain.

Phew! Quite a night, eh? Don't forget to round things off nicely by being sick in your bed. Good times, good times.

SIMULATION ENDS.



For further Manic Street Preacher fun, visit their official website, and download their Christmas song, Ghost of Christmas. It's brilliant, a shamelessly glam-rock inspired Xmas stomper with hints of Slade and Wizzard at their most festive. A far more palatable Christmas offering than you'll find in the charts this year, and better still its FREE.

Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.


GOODNIGHT!

- Fanton.

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