Monday, 3 December 2007

What's in a name?

Naming a new blog is almost as important a decision as naming your newborn child. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's far more important than that.

Sure, you could wind up bestowing a stupid name like 'Zowie' or 'Moon Unit' or 'Gregory' upon your child, but then chances are that whatever you call your offspring they'll eventually wind up despising their name, and start developing new, far cooler sounding nicknames like 'D-Stroy' or 'Jazza' or 'XBox 360' anyway. It's all pretty irrelevant, really.

Your blog, however, cannot change its own name. Whatever you choose is what it is lumbered with for the rest of its life - which could well be FOREVER.

It is with this weighty consideration upon my mind that I set about naming this very blog. I wanted to give my new baby a snappy name, something vaguely cool-sounding. Something that wouldn't get it picked on by the bigger blogs in the virtual schoolyard.

But what? I did not have one single idea in my entire brain. It's a tricky process, but luckily there are a few clear options open to you when you are naming a blog, which I've carefully researched and present to you now:

The self-titled blog. Simply name your blog after yourself! Not only does it require zero creativity, but it also means that you don't have to try and remember a whole new name. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

However, the self-titled blog does carry with it a certain air of arrogance, as if the writer considers him or herself so important and famous that people should either already know their name, or learn it fast. This is fine if you are actually important and/or famous, but makes you look like a right cocky bastard if you aren't.

It should be noted that I used to own a self-titled blog.

The Writing-Based Pun: Blogs are all about writing, so why not make your blog's title an awfully witty pun based upon that very fact? Write In it! Write On! Write Now! Write Where I Belong! Write Now I Am Stabbing Myself In The Eye With A Fork To Spare Me The Agony Of Your Awful Punnery!

It should be noted that I used to own a writing-based pun blog.

The Cock Tease: If you want to get a ridiculously high volume of traffic to your blog, then titling it something vaguely dirty and provocative like Dirty Tramp or Wild Ejaculations or Fuck My Tits will guarantee you a continued torrent of sweaty-palmed surfers who googled 'minge' and who then accidentally found themselves on your page. They won't stay long (unless there are actually tits on your site) but your stats will certainly look impressive. You whore.

Self-Deprecation: We all know that by publishing our thoughts and opinions openly on the Internet we are leaving ourselves open to abuse, so why not get the first blow in right away - on yourself! By naming your blog in such a self-mocking manner it looks like you already think you are rubbish, and are thus immune from any further barbs or critiques.

However, although titles like Wittering On, Boring Guff, Dreary Nothings, Turgid Nonsense and Pile of Shit may make you think you are being all witty and self-deprecating, people might actually take the title literally and leave without reading past that header. Either that, or you call your blog Useless Toss and it actually turns out to be a bunch of useless toss. Or, worst still, your enemies and detractors may feel like they have to try harder to rile you, and go beyond spamming your comments section and straight onto kidnapping you and setting fire to your loved one's hair. Use with caution.

The Surrealistic Juxtaposition: If you want to make yourself look a bit wacky and (shudder) zany, then this could be the choice for you. All you need to do is combine two disparate words or items to get your new, ker-azy blog name. Things like: Anaemic Hippo, Revolving Hatstand, Nuclear Bungalow, Retarded Sparrow, Smoking Omelette, Vibrating Pope, Smarmy Trilby etc.

WARNING: if carried out poorly, the surrealistic juxtaposition can wind up making you look like a really unfunny prick, who probably spends all day quoting Family Guy or Monty Python.

So, I present to you now: Digital Sickbag.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

- Andy Fanton.


The Naked Madhatter said...

Dear Andy

As you say a new blog is as important as a new born that's why I very welcome Digital Sickbag in the worlwide virtual web brotherhood. Any christening plan yet?
I suppose that all we can wish to you is to never get any better in order to spread vomit as far as you can.
Best to you,
Martial (from wonderland)

Claire said...

I welcome you to the land of blog, but I sense that you may have dipped your toes into blog world before in another guise?


I think you have picked a cracking name.

Diane said...

Dear Mr Fanton
I am amazed by your ubiquitousness (ubiquitousity? ubiquitousage?) - lets' just say you don't half get around the blogosphere. Where do you find the time? Portsmouth must be v. dull.



Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

What a delightfully pukey name! Congratulations on the birth of your new baby it a boy or a girl?

Andy Fanton said...

Hello, hello, hello and hello!

Naked Madhatter, I haven't got any christening plans yet. I've been told that water (Holy or not) will only ruin my computer, so I'm having to rethink the whole thing.

Hi, Claire! Yes, I have been all over the net, like some kind of rash. A really good rash, but a rash nonetheless.

Diane, the most interesting thing about Portsmouth is that is that is used to be home to Charles Dickens, Arthur Conan-Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. Since then, however, its literacy levels have plummeted, forcing me to retreat here for sanctuary.

Hey, Olga! Having taken a quick look at the underside of my blog, it's either a terribly misshapen girl, or a laughably endowed boy. Only time will tell.

Bye for now!

- Fanton.

Daniel Sims said...

Hey, Nice blog I have to say. I agree that the name is impartant. even more so if you are advertising your blog. You want to catch people's attention. Like Difital Sickbag it makes you think "what is that?!?!?! Well anyway good luck

BrentD said...

Excellent work Your Andyship, you had me at Moon Unit.

I am wondering now if Nuclear Bungalow is still available.


This is definitely going on the linkroll.

Andy Fanton said...

Hey, Daniel! I was hoping my sick would draw people in, and it seems to have worked. Whoever would have guessed that there was quite so high a demand for vomit on this here internet, eh?

Brent, your own (excellent) blog is an example of one of the ones that got it right with the name, in my book. I haven't written that book yet, but when I do, The Ominous Comma will be in it. Maybe chapter four or five.

Although I do believe Nuclear Bungalow is still available, for all those last-minute shoppers out there.


- Fanton.

Beenzzz said...

Delighted! Delighted indeed! You know, you're right about the blog naming thing. I often wondered if, Stealthybush or Stealthyboobs would have made my blog much more popular. Shall I change it?

Yes, Gregory is a RIDICULOUS name. I believe the name literally means:

bleeding orifice in an alley way.

Lord Likely said...

Just call it 'Bush and Boobs' and I guarantee you'll have the most popular website of all time, EVER.

Nice to see you here, by the way! Thanks for stopping by!


- Fanton.

Andy Fanton said...

Oh, nadgers.

I signed in as His Lordship instead, there.

Confound my myriad personalities!

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