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James Bond in 'Try Another Title'

News reaches the Sickbag that the twenty-second James Bond movie finally has a title - Quantum of Solace.

As far as tantalising, kick-ass titles go, it's a bit underwhelming, really. It sounds more like a student's science project, or a dull academic book rather than an all-action blockbuster about a super-cool spy.

Then again, Bond titles have a history of being a bit rubbish. For every snappily-titled Goldeneye or Licence to Kill, there's a Tomorrow Never Dies or The World is Not Enough.

So, to help out the Bond producers in naming any future Bond flicks, I've compiled a list of titles that they can use if they want. For ONE HUNDRED MILLION POUNDS EACH. Bargain!

Here we go:

  • The James Bond Film
  • Casino Royale 2: Casino Royaler
  • James Bond vs Aliens vs Predator
  • A Licence to Drive
  • The Man With The Golden Everything
  • The Periodic Table of Death
  • Tomorrow is the Day After Today
  • James Bond and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  • Secret Agent Punch Up
  • Mince Spy
  • James Bond Fights Everyone
  • Bronze-tits
  • The Bond Identity
  • The Man With A PhD In Advanced Physics
  • BOOOOM!
  • James Bond - He's A Super Cool Spy, Man!
  • Fighting and Spying And Fucking
  • Dodecahedron Eyes
  • James Bond Goes To Smuggler's Cove
  • James Bond!
  • Double Oh Ohhhhhhh
  • The Spy Who Will Fuck You Up
  • The Man With The Itchy Scrote
  • The Pluto Dichotomy
  • Big Fat Balls Slapping Against Her Arse
  • Something About Killing and Dying
  • I Can See Yooooou!
  • James Bond Loses His Keys































  • Christ, Not Another Fat Lunatic Trying To Take Over the World
  • A View To Retirement
  • Licence To Print Money
  • Never Kill A Doctor With A Licence To Live Another Golden Day Twice
  • James Bond Kicks A Bloke
  • Shaken, But Not Shaken Too Much
  • Things Explode
  • James Bond's Super Spying Adventure Time
  • PACHOW! ZAP! BLAMMO!
  • Look At My Shorts
  • James Bond meets James Bond, James Bond, James Bond, James Bond and James Bond.
  • Knock Knock, Who's There?
  • February the 23rd Always Comes
  • There's This Bit, Yeah, Where James Bond Leaps From A Helicopter And Lands In A Tank And Punches This Guy In The Face And Drives Off And Flattens A Limousine It's Fuckin' Well Rad
  • Licence To Serve Liquor
  • Never Say Not Never Never Again Never
  • Liquid Pants
  • The Man With The Lady's Face
  • Donkey Puncher
  • Is That A Gun In Your Pocket Or Your Hardened Cock?
  • James Bond Wins At The End

I'm sure you'll agree, they're all BRILLIANT ideas. Hollywood, here I come!

- Fanton.

99 comments:

Howard said...

I have a couple of friends who had heard rumors that it was just going to be called 007, which would have been cool in my book.

Howard said...

One other thought:

They are getting as bad as George Lucas with titles.

Fanton said...

Yeah, I liked the sound of calling it just plain ol' 007, too.

Stupid producers.

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So to speak.

Grumpus said...

I like "James Bond Goes to Smuggler's Cove." Shades of Enid Blyton.

Uncle Quentin would give Bond the spanking of a lifetime.

Christine Vyrnon said...

I'll give Daniel Craig the spanking of a liftime... if he wants me to. He can call his little gun and spy movie anything he wants. I'll watch him do whatever he wants to do, or not do, on camera, regardless of the title... though "Liquid Pants" and "Look At My Shorts" sound kinda yummy.

Fanton said...

Grumpus - plus, of course, I think Bond will get on famously with the Five's Aunt Fanny.

Christine, has Mr. Craig issued that that restraining order against you yet? I heard these movie stars don't take kindly to women pressing themselves against their windows, screaming.

Scaryduck said...

The World Never Dies Twice Dr No Finger My Pussy Galore

starring Dale Winton.

Lord Andrew of Goulding said...

My pick:

The Man With The Itchy Scrote
James Bond Kicks A Bloke (Cripple?)

My suggestion:
Poxtopussy

ADG

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Diesel said...

I actually had to click that link to see if you were joking about the real title. WTF kind of rubbish is that? Next up: "Indiana Jones and the Singularity Ether."

James Eff'ing Bond! said...

How about:

James Bong: You Only Toke Twice

The Bloke Who Poked Me

Beenzzz said...

I'm particularly fond of, "Big Fat Balls Slapping Against her Arse."

Also, there is:

Shocktopussy
Gold Fingered
Quantum of Quim

Where is my mind this fine evening!?

TrishaLyn said...

Ha I couldn't agree more. What a craptastic title for ANY movie, let alone a Bond flick.

Fanton said...

Scaryduck: do you really think the producers of the Bond franchise could secure Winton's awesome talents?

Lord Andrew of Goulding, Poxtopussy? Brilliant!

Diesel, you've clearly missed your true calling. I would pay good money to see that Indiana Jones movie. Well, maybe not good money. And maybe not pay, as such. But still.

James Eff'ing Bond, You Only Toke Twice sounds plausible. Bond is, after all, at an all time high, like that song said.

Beenzzz, I'll bet you're fond of big fat balls slapping against her arse. Oh, wait. I see what you mean. The title. Sure. Sorry.

Trishalyn, that title does indeed reek a bit, to say the least. James Bond? James RUBBISH, more like. (Clever, I know).

Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass said...

Has anybody proposed "I'll kill for brunettes" yet?

007 looks like a typo for 2007. Hey! If only they had released it last year as "2007 007"!

Another one: "008". Or "007.2". He must upgrade too.

Scaryduck said...

Yes. I honestly believe that Winton would make a superb orange-skinned villain.

In fact, I've just cast him in my forthcoming video podcast. As Davros.

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