Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Fanton: Established 1978

Bloody hell. I am now thirty years old.

Yes, dear readers, as of yesterday I bade a fond farewell to my twenties and found myself staggering into my thirties; 'staggering' being quite the correct word here, as I was partying through Monday night into the wee hours on Tuesday, with some of my very favourite people on the planet. Good times!

I've had lots of people remark on this milestone year, asking me how I feel about hitting the big three-oh. To be honest, I don't really appropriate any large significance to hitting thirty. I certainly don't 'feel' thirty; whether that is due to crippling immaturity and irresponsibility, or whether it is because I have been blessed with incredibly youthful (good) looks, I cannot say. But so far, nothings really changed.

I've just thought: that above statement could be seen as being rather tragic. Here I am, thirty years old, and nothing has really changed over the last few years. Except, y'know, I have no job now.

So, yeah: I'm an awful, thirty year-old jobless loser.

Uh-oh. This party is in danger of going sour. BRING ON THE MUSIC!

I love that tune. For the curious, it is called 'L-O-V-E' and is by a great new band I've recently chanced across called SugaRush Beat Company. Groove-a-licious, as the kids might say. If they were particularly dumb.

Anyway: there we go. Next time I see you, I might have taken to smoking a pipe and wearing a cardigan. But I doubt it.

- Fanton.

Friday, 19 September 2008

I Am Shit, I Am Best

Its been a rather odd day today, all told.

It began terribly when I got fired this morning from my awful, minimum-wage job, for committing the terrible crime of...eating a hotdog. A hotdog that was due to be chucked in the bin anyway, as it was the end of the night and thus was not going to be sold.

And so, for that horrendous act (no doubt causing the multi-million pound company for which I work untold damage and distress), I had my employment terminated. After seven and a half years of loyal service, it turned out that at the end of the day I was worth less to the company than an old, discarded sausage.

And as an added bonus, this took place only four days before my birthday. DOUBLE FUN!

Naturally, I was less than pleased and felt completely and utterly depressed by the whole affair.

However, on the flip-side of this particular coin, was the fact that when I got back to my house, I found that an earlier, off-the-cuff suggestion to The Guardian's 'Comment is Free' on Twitter had resulted in Lord Likely's blog being selected as one of the 'Best of the Web' on their website!


Obviously I'm a little aggrieved to see my stuff BELOW a LOLCats-based story (especially being the purveyor of high-quality RIPDogs, myself), but still, there it was. A link to my writing, on The Guardian's website.

Fuck me.

Since then, I've been fielding loads of text messages, emails and Facebook comments either commiserating with me on the loss of my job, or congratulating me on getting a link from The Guardian. I don't know whether I should be wallowing in self-pity and sadness, or leaping for joy and hurling myself into fresh writing work.

Like I said, its been a really odd day.

Now all I have to do is find a way to build upon my writing success, and, y'know...actually get paid to do it, or something. I think that'd be nice.

Either that, or its off to McDonald's.

See you in the dole queue!

- Fanton.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Virtual Wordsack: One

Welcome, dear readers!

Having seen the Sickbag become something of a repository for meandering posts about nothing of any interest lately, I thought it was high time I forced this blog back on track, and restored it to its rightful position as the best place on the internet to find the very finest writing imaginable.

To this end, may I welcome you to a new, regular feature on the Sickbag, which I have called 'Digital Sickbag's Virtual Wordsack' (henceforth known as DSVW, which I admit does sound like a car-simulator for Nintendo's current handheld console of choice).

DSVW will feature some of my own personal poetry, created by my own hands and brain, and shared with you, The Internet. It's about time we had some real culture here, wouldn't you agree?

So here for your enjoyment I present my verse. I hope you enjoy. It.

Love Machine

My pistons are pumping
My gears are turning fast
I'm ready for humping
Inspection I have passed.

My motor is turning
My nuts and bolts are tight
My furnace is burning
I'll be running all night

My crankshaft is cranking
My engine purrs inside
Get ready for spanking
My battery has died.

Oh no!
Now I'm leaking oil
See it drip onto the floor
Girl please don't recoil...

This never happened before.

Splish Splash On My Moustache

Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

Aw no look at that it's rainin' down on me,
Coming down hard like an upside-down sea.
This has ruined my day, robbed it of its fizz,
It's like God pulled down his pants and took a mighty whizz.

Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain,
Well I took a plane to Spain during Juan Carlos' reign
And do you know what I saw when I got there?
Everywhere was rained upon, it all got its share.

Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
Gotta go, really must dash,
Splish Splash, Splish Splash,
There's rain on my moustache.

I guess what I'm saying is rain will always get you wet,
I know that's kinda obvious but just don't you forget.
The real reason why the rain has made me so dismayed
Is that its pissed upon my perfectly-planned parade.


I really don't understand your dislike of the donut
Some people share your views but I simply do not
Why is it that you hate donuts so, what gets you in this knot?
You can tell me honey, let me in your doo-dah nut.

Why do you despise this tasty treat from the bakery?
Did it cheat on you, was it bigamy?
I'm sorry that wasn't very big of me
But I cannot comprehend your hate of this delicacy.

What about the ones with the tasty chocolate icing?
Surely those donuts have got to be somewhat enticing?
Jam donuts I always find so appetising
I really cannot see what it is that you are despising.

Were you bullied by donuts when you were at school?
Did they pick on you and make you look a fool?
'Cos that kind of behaviour is really not cool,
But to take it out on all donuts is just plain cruel.

I'm sorry to go on, girl, but it just shows how much I care,
I hate to see these donuts driving you so very spare,
If you really don't want one then I guess that that's fair,
If you would much prefer, I'll get you an ├ęclair.

To Bille

Oh Billie, Billie, Billie,
Can't you see what you're doing
To my willy, willy, willy?

When I noticed you,
on Doctor Who
You looked so cute I wanted to
Doctor You
We'd fly off in that box of blue,
just like the
Doctor'd do,
We'd find a lonely planet and there we'd screw
I'd really like to
Doggy you.

Now you play a ho
on that TV show
But you're beautiful so
you ain't no ho
I can't believe yo'
would lower yourself so.
But if the rates were reasonable
I'd still give you a go

Oh Billie, Billie, Billie,
Can't you see what you're doing
To my willy, willy, willy?

I thank you.

- Fanton.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Five Weeks in the Making

Cor blimey, guv.

Its been five weeks or so since I last updated the Sickbag. What exactly have I been doing in that time?

I'll tell you what - I came up with this truly EXCELLENT joke. BEHOLD:

Q: What happened to the man who gave Nostradamus a haircut and a shave?

A: He made a tidy prophet!


Well worth the wait, I"m sure you'll agree.

- Fanton.